2004 July | Torley Lives - Part 2

Torley Lives

I amplify your awesome.

2004-07-26
dead like me
… which is, of course, probably going to be my OotM (Obsession of the Month) in August, along with Death itself (in many senses of the word).?I recently watched the first episode. I must say, I am wowed by Ellen Muth's performance. Her eyebrows are very unique and beautiful, and she looks like one of my friend's little sisters, kinda, but with a very different voice and disposition. This, of course, plays tricks on my associative mind which strives to find the connections in all things, no matter how seemingly unrelated. I'm late to this show and just started picking up with Season 2's Premiere… not sure if I'm going to watch all the way yet, but it looks promising. The ramping (sped-up) camera and the photographic style is a real thrill too in the parts that they do use it.
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Both Stargate SG-1 and Stargate Atlantis had episodes involving shadowy darkness blobby things. How's that for parallels in a Desperation/Regulators sort of way? And speaking of King, Stephen once more, I wonder if North Central Positronics really IS a reference to Isaac Asimov. I've submitted the Q to the official website and graciously await a response in a week or so. Haven't actually read the end of the Waste Lands but Blaine the Mono seems like a really cool, psychoriddling train. Connecting Ellen Muth to Stephen King is easy: she starred in the movie version of Dolores Claiborne. Which had death in it.
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Tying this into techno music, I think there needs to be more trance anthems that?aren't necessarily about the party life but?deeply explore death?and related, similarly grim issues. Could be the party death.?Maybe something that folds trance back on some of its industrial roots, as the imagery of the latter is very rich in that kind of decay. I know there have been great singles like Kai Tracid's "Too Many Times" with its haunting video of a clubette timbering 'cuz of a drug overdose, and who can forget Rob Dougan's "Clubbed To Death?" Or Brainbug's "Nightmare"? But I'm thinking of?something even more sinister like a sort of Phantasm (remember that movie? I love it) soundtrack gone dancefloor, with the creeping ambience but yet the pounding supersaw and 2-4 claps/snares so common…?and only halfway there, like a soul about to go but trying to stray from the light strobe light… and the dancers aren't really there to zestfully booty-grind. Rather, it's more of a intensely contemplative thing, like: "Half an hour ago, you took a bad pill. Your parallel self in an alt-reality, however, did NOT." And as the night goes on, you sort of do that split screen thing in your mind's eye?to see, hear, experience?possible outcomes. Too depressing? Yes, but there is a place for expression like that and?it can be uplifting at the end and reflect that each of us needs to grieve for?loved ones in our own way,?who'ever they be'eth and how'ever we shall proceed. *pushes button*?Raver music might be the last thing you expect to hear at a funeral, but that's life… death? That being said, hey, do they make headstones in the shape of decks and a mixer (mebbe with effects unit too)? Haven't seen one yet. Drop me if a line if you have, thankyou.
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As there is a Roland of the Dark Tower and a Roland the music instrument manufacturer, the latter should release a TR-1010. I'm imagining something here called a "vorpal interface", related to the?D-Beam tech. but more ghostly, and which would aid you not only in live?fx manipulations but in programming beats steptime. You know, like an invisible paintbrush. YOU CUT THE AIR LIKE A SWORD. Although this, you see, would have to have some tactile?feedback, you can FEEL how the kicks are mapped differently than the snares by pinching your fingertips in midair, and map it with a flick of the wrist. Even though there is nothing all! It's all in the perception. Another flick would add?a certain?amount of randomization, and you could curl fingers to rotate through sounds like gripping on handlebars of a?motorcycle until the right one sounded — and then you'd release and relax. Ghostly and technical on the insides, but oh-so-natural and intuitive to use. More smooth digital (as in fingers) motions as opposed to herky-jerky shoving. Coordinated actions by both hands could speed up programming while you operated the device, and a?few simple choice lights?could alert you to parameter change status and other essential basics without being overly intrusive.?I'm no technical maven but it's always nice to have tools that work like you do. It's about time. :D
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Speaking of time, time travel, I saw another book lately called The Time Traveler's Wife. Looks charming. My guess is that, as with many time travel stories, there is tragedy and someone permanently bites it in the end. :(
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Avril Lavigne still looks like a cat. Watched a video interview with her going *grrr!* Her voice is kind of smoky smooth. I dig that. If I had a cat, I'd likely name it after her.
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"Death is a mystery, and burial is a secret." -Stephen King
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So, August is Death month. And Celebrate Life month. Both, at the same time. You've heard of Christmas in the middle of July, yes? Well, how about Halloween in the middle of August?? I'm full of contradictions. Don't expect it to be the same next year, though =^_^=
2004-07-25
asperger's syndrome and my life herself
So, I was at the grand bookstore chain called Chapters the other day. Browsed around… they sure know how to make people comfortable, with the associated Starbucks chain sort of integrated and grafted smoothly into the whole op the way your eyeball is sealed into your head (hopefully). Speaking of eyeballs, I of course took a gander at the Stephen King section. They didn't have any rare books on his life ABOUT him in stock apart from a concordance to The Dark Tower, but I peered around and they did have Dreamcatcher and Everything's Eventual, hardcopy, for sale at $10?a pop. Pretty good pricin' for a *hardcover*. One copy of Carrie, newest ed., paperback, was also left. Carrie is a great American novel, and it combines two things that are very relevant to me: menstruation and telekinesis. I also noticed that in the Parenting section, they have a subsection very clearly marked: AUTISM & ASPERGER'S SYNDROME. Well that's nice they're paying attention to this, as?there must be demand from some awfully concerned parents wondering about their child or children's?wellbeing — which, in my books (pun?), is just so sooo splendid.
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I do wish those books were around when I was a tot. Then again, it made me learn "normal" behavior the rough and tough way, with a lot of tumbles en route. I remember I was kicked off at least a few dozen Internet message boards?and mailing lists?in my early Net surfing days (dating back to Netscape 1.1, but not quite pre-Mosaic ;) ) because I talked a lot. Too much. I?tried to help everyone with their queries.?This, of course, was just a followup to me being kicked out of social?circles for?speaking too much and rattling off everything I knew about, say, the Transformers or?paleontology (can you guess?why I like Ross on?Friends? Although Phoebe's my fave character for her charming visage and non-sequiturs).?I can't ever remember being deliberately rude in a trolly (not Torley) sort of way, but I do have some historical traits which could be seen as rude: like the urge to correct inaccuracies and a stubborn desire to fill in all of the loopholes in an argument.?Which, of course, is impossible. Damn semantics! Nowadays, I'm more mellow. It's like, "Whateva, man/woman." I learned a lot watching Bob Marley and MTV's gangsta rap dept.. No kidding. I mean, whatever seems like some hyperbolic caricatoon to someone else — that's the near-Gospel truth to me. But it was really, really frustrating for me to have to explain myself each and every time, no matter how nicely I tried… and tried.
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Finally after 6-7 years (yes, it took that long), I think I got something down effectively and Thor's?hammered out a mode of speech which works for me on a purely textual basis. (Like I'm typing now, darling!) I continue to adapt it to this day, and all that I can claim is that it's Me, unique and unadulterated… well, maybe adulterated. We'll figure that part out like Zephos figures out Xynthica's hair ornaments.
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Back to Chapters… so I was reading this book about parenting a child with Asperger's Syndrome?(ain't hyperlinks grand?), and on top of everything that already made sense for me, this even made more sense. I could sooo relate! Which is kind of funny, because I don't relate to much in the grand scheme of things. Since there is no cure (a fallacy and myth, since this is a fundamental and integral part of the neurotype and personality that constitutes who I am — not that I'd want one, anyway ;) ), what can be done? Well, what needs to be done is more Aspie Awareness just like anything (awareness about eating unhealthy, animal cruelty, and the aesthetic benefits of WATERMELONS!) so that more open dialog can be shared and skills that are hard to learn but nevertheless can be learned . . . can be learned! (How's that for redundancy?)?Honest, earnest communication in a kind and loving environment — and nothing less than that — is where progress will be made. Oh, there'll be genetics research for sure, as well as deeper forays into the enigma that is the human noggin; and the human experience of being social, especially for typically antisocial people, will be the challenge. Online and offline, as it continues to grow.
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I have a great wonderment for human diversity and variety so I must absolutely clarify, politely but firmly, clarify that I am in no way an "Aspie supremacist". There are some of those already plotting for some war vs. the neurotypicals ("normal humans"), which is yet another myth/fallacy because human brains are neither black, nor white. Kibbles 'n' bits 'n' pieces of them are mired in the aforementioned diversity, which leads to a beautiful mosaic of shades of gray. This is a SPECTRUM of humans. Just like people are born with different skin colors and different body types — some are short, some are tall, but all are human beings — there is so much room for all types of folks. Hopefully nice folks?=^_^=?*meows*.?For me, Asperger's Syndrome sounds a bit awkward and may very well be a placeholder term in a greater continuum of classification to come. We'll see. Labeling may be a necessary evil, but emphasize the "necessary" instead of the other term and maybe there'll be hope yet. The remaining mysteries of the MEDULLA OBLONGATA (Adam Sandler voice, hee hee) and more have yet to be unravelled.
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I'm a human being, you're a human being (unless you're my cat-to-be reading this, hi Avree!). We've got roles in life to play, and obviously, some days are really crappy and we say "Life sucks!", but on the whole, it doesn't. Or at least, it shouldn't. No matter who we are or where we're from, we've got hopes, dreams, and all sorts of goals to accomplish. We might not accomplish all of those goals, but hey, that's okay, it's good to dream and think about them.?Fantasies are?well-balanced?part of a fantastic Life breakfast (ha). As The Donald (who I fervently admire for his classiness) says, "Think big." And do bigger? Ja. And "ha" rhymes with "ja".
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I'd like to wager that your goals are of the safe, sane, and consensual variety. Hopefully you're a nice person who's good to other people and good to yourself?for the most part, despite your failings and foibles. Hey, I know, I've got my weaknesses too. Here's a big one for you: I HAVE NO COMMON SENSE. Got that? What most people take for granted, I have zero of. Zero, as in Zip, Zilch, and their sad sister Nada. It may sound strange to you, but it's what's "normal" to me. I've read and heard about common sense all throughout my life. But I just don't "get" it. I just don't "feel" it… I look for it, and there's nothing there. Nothing at all.
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Want an example? Here's an example — like they say, give a penny, take a penny. So here's a trienny (that's a penny worth 3): the other day, my Mum needed help picking fruit from the apricot tree. She tells me that she wants me to collect all the fruit, but that she's tired of picking too, 'cause?as you know, apricotties bear a lot of babies and big baskets are needed for all of the wee ones. Also, I point out there's a branch hanging over an edge of the water where it's hard to get at with any ladder.?She tells me: "I don't care how you do it, just get it?done!"?I obey.?So what do I do? I get my trusty saw out and I chop the whole tree down. Looks good to me, feels good to me, and it makes as darndest logical sense to my inner bones as I can figure out. Of course, she's horrified. I am not. Three problems solved in one, Mom! *BIG HUG*
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As you can see, while there is nothing there *thumps skull*, I find other areas of my life to be most bountiful. I have family who loves me and good friends who don't judge me for being who I am, being a kindly eccentric fruits basket?(like the anime, which incidentally has a cat) who has Asperger's Syndrome. And within myself, I know I have a glowing confidence: a confidence that didn't exist in my younger years, because I didn't know what the hell I was, quite frankly. I'm like one of those Pokemon without a number who isn't in the Pokedex yet (for the record, Meowth is my fave).?This confidence didn't come easily, oh no!, it came from years of experience and I have many more to go and much learning to do. And even better, much teaching to others. I hope I can share my personal experiences in a way that will benefit lives of my fellow people, even if I do feel I am not of this planet sometimes. And maybe we'll meet some real extraterrestrials along the way ;)
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It's gonna?be a wild journey, and I'm going to be using techno music to — for lack of a better word — channel the goods like some cyber-shaman of ye olde ravey days to ya. From past to present to future, here we go! Buckle up, and?stick around for the ride!!!
2004-07-23
hearing is precious
… and so are all your other senses, so they say. I hope you're taking care of yours! Right now, I'm concerned about my hearing. It's been two months (from about mid-May) ever since I noticed a mysterious set of problems start to happen in my ears. Hearing loss seems to be part of it — specifically, I have tinnitus time to time, a loud annoying whine in my ears — but come to think of it, that's been a part of me since I was a child. The new nuissance happens to be this loud crackling/popping noise that happens like a reflex whenever there's any loud, percussive noise in the high frequencies in my vicinity. Including from within me (i.e. when eating carrot sticks). It's really impaired me, like?someone's?beating on the inside of my brain where I can't get at it (Him? Her? An?auditory?gremlin?)?and I haven't been able to work on my music lately, and not only because of that: I've found I have?developed hyperacusis too, which is really getting on my nerves because my ears are sensitive and it gives me a real headache. Instead of hearing stuff in the higher registers too softly, it's all exaggerated and distorted to an annoying degree. More mid-day naps I guess, and I don't feel terribly productive because of it. One thing's for sure: I've been writing a lot more than I have in a LONG time.
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I'm on the waiting list for the specialist ENT doc, same one I reckon who checked on my Dad before he died (Dad had vertigo and all manner of pain — he had to crouch down, elbows stiff and jutted out to his knees, and his palms clasped around his ears while he tried to shake the disorienting agony away), and the operative term right now seems to be *waiting*. Well, gotta?have?faith in God. Thanks to everyone on the Internet and off the 'Net who's?been helping me with this and?helping me dig up rare technical terms like "stapedial myoclonus" and "spasm of the tensor tympani". I'm not sure that's?what it is?yet, but it sure sounds like what I've got. So it's ongoing, more than a bit scary because I don't know what's coming up around the bend, but life's an adventure and this is surely just another leg of the journey. Far braver souls than I have suffered worse things and gone on with much strength, so I gotta keep hanging in there (like that classic orange cat poster as seen on "The Simpsons").
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In the meantime, if you're reading this and like to listen to loud music: consider turning it down. I sure liked listening to loud music but I don't anymore. I don't even care much for talking loud at the present, although I do my darndest to keep up a cheerful disposition and don't let crap like this get me down. I don't think the origins of my relatively recent troubles are from pounding techno music all night long either, because of my controlled environment — but the specifics aren't relevant, because noise pollution is everywhere. I've only begun to notice how damn LOUD most restaurants are, and how much industrial noise there is in the world. Some of it can't be avoided without active hearing protection, so look into getting yourself a nice pair of custom-molded earplugs. Especially the kind that attentuate the noise specially with a type of filter and?do not blur the sounds, so everything is still crystal clear — just softer.?The initial investment may be steep (seems like Costco has them at a not-too-shabby deal), but can you afford to protect your lifelong?hearing??Absolutely. I'm looking into getting a set for myself. Sure I sound like an old fogey now — maybe I'm getting to be that way all too soon ;) — but like the sages will tell ya: you don't miss it until it's gone and gone it will be if you keep blasting away without ear protection.
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I didn't think I'd be making a blog entry like this today but in the midst of my headaches, I wanted to share this with you. Don't be a fool like I was when I was a kid either when it comes to your eyes. You know how I lost my eyesight? No kidding… some kiddos have funny obsessions: sniffing glue, grabbing puppy dog tails, and all manner of growing-up discovery. Me? I stared straight into the sun for hours at a time. Stupid, and now I regret it. Burned out my retinas. Maybe someday I'll get Lasik but I can't think of an equivalent for my ears apart from a hearing aid, and they still can be unwieldy. There's a lot of myths to be dispelled about those gadgets, by the way: hearing aids aren't just for the old. If you lose your hearing enough, no matter what your age, you're going to need one. And if you don't believe me and since this is a techno music blog, maybe you can listen to the words of Thomas Bangalter, of Daft Punk fame: "I?ve given up [DJing]?because I want to protect my ears, music is too loud in clubs." I don't think anyone knows better than him. The man is a time-tested and true craftsman with his production?partner?Guy-Manuel De Homem-Christo in the studio,?from the acidic pounding of international hit "Da Funk" to the unorthodoxly?brazen guitar solos of "Aerodynamic"… this is music meant to be played LOUD. Speaking of LOUD, look how?Timo Maas gets it right on his album cover (and?on a tangential wave, my fave track from that CD is "Help Me" with its spooky?cyber-theremins):
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See, can you hear?what can happen? Here's another great list of celebs who have tinnitus and other forms of hearing loss.?It's a Stephen Kingesque, Dean?Koontzian?horror in its own right: imagine, quite possibly 24/7, to have a loud buzzing or humming or warbling or other annoying, *constant* pulsating noise going back and forth in your ears, sometimes raising and splitting your skull wide open (like the "watermelon" scene from Scanners), other times lurking like a brooding horror in the background before coming forth to punish you viciously — and repeatedly — once more. Think of it?as getting a daily?ear caning, Singapore-style.?I'm living some of it now, and thank God I haven't fully descended into madness… yet! (I have to semi-jest on that one, haven't lost my sense of humor.)
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Going clubbing actively without hearing protection will hurt you so much in the end that you'll be depressed and cry lots (possibly), and feel sorry for yourself too.?No one will honestly relate to your pain except for others who are also in the same situation. You might be able to still feel the bass, but what good is that if you don't know what else is going on except for the rhythmic deep throbbing that keeps reminding you of what you cannot hear? The bass is a physical sensation, so while you're still good to go, you can pop in those earplugs I mentioned and the music should still be enjoyable to you.?Plus, you can still TOTALLY feel that powerful kick drum go BOOM-BOOM-BOOM-BOOM, but not?at levels that will make you experience the aural equivalent of puking over the porcelain throne after one too many Coronas the next day. Don't try to play the lame game of playing your music in the car louder than the next guy or girl over, even if you have a nice system. That's sonic suicide.
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I've got deaf relatives and friends, and they tell me to take care of my hearing. No more hearing = no more beautiful music to listen to. It's?losing part of you, that's what it is. And?like I said, your hearing is precious and I want you to take good care of it into the future to come so that you can enjoy listening to your grandchildren calling out to you and asking you to read them a story, and so you can also?grow into your golden years to go fishing or whatever it is you like to do outdoors — without the wonderful sounds of nature like birdsong and water being heard by your ears as… nothing, nothing at all. :*-(
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TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF, PROTECT YOUR?HEARING!
Got that? Make me a promise. Good.
2004-07-21
past deus ex: invisible war addiction
I remember when I was addicted to this game, Deus Ex: Invisible War. I played it nonstop for like 3 days and nights and then went to post on the forums as WheresWalton (a play on the missing Walton Simons?and Where's Waldo?). I made well over 1,000 posts in — you guessed it, 10 days. Some long ones, some short ones, and everything in between. I really wanted to share this experience with other players.?Whoa. Now in some strange way, I do hope they make a Deus Ex 3, but another part of me tells me they'll mess this one up.?The situation with Warren Spector and Harvey Smith has been iffy as of late.
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?"Damn you, Denton!"
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I didn't enjoy Invisible War as much as the original but it was a satisfying playthrough, and I was anticipating it for so long. For the record, my favorite character from the first game was Tracer Tong and I liked his voice in that, but Alexander Brandon I feel botched it up in the second :(. Sorry Alex, you did do a good job on the music though, although?there were hardly as many strong, powerful melodies like gazelles as in DX1.?But as for awesome voice actresses, I'd have to say Tiffany Grant as Klara Sparks takes the cake. I felt sorry for everytime I killed her (obviously, not me Torley, but my ingame character)… dayum. Trust me on this: she's a really nice person, and there's nothing I like more than a talented fellow human being who is also a really nice person. =^_^=