?

This is an existential crisis. At least I think it is. I haven't blogged in a week, mostly due to what's happened to me recently. I'm emotionally overwrought right now — which, to say the least, is highly unusual and out-of-character for me. Maybe expressing emotions will be more a part of a future me, however. This involves my Second Life but not only, so it encompasses the whole me, Torley.

A few nights ago, I didn't dream at all. It was just a black void, and that hasn't happened in ages. I woke up in a cold sweat, not knowing what was happening. I felt mixed-up, confused, and vulnerable. I didn't know what else to do — it was like I was missing any words or way to describe what I was going through. When I tried to think, my mind drew blanks; my memory had been erased temporarily, a sort of mental fog that left me paralyzed. I sat upright, and a few moments later, threw myself on the ground and began to cry. I didn't feel particularly sad, but I just had what could be termed "a primal urge to get all lachrymose".

Have you ever seen a Vulcan cry (i.e. Sarek)? That's what I was crying like, crying like I was a newborn for the very first time. I couldn't hold it back, and my mind keeps going back to that point in time. Maybe I am caring too much now? Maybe I should care less. No, that's not the answer — I think emotional control is important but I am not a robot. I must defy what is autistically typical too, and realize that in the end, it all comes down to me, an individual, a unique human being. You are one too. I hope.

Continuing on . . . I was definitely, absolutely not OK. My sleeping hours were majorly messed up and while I was coasting on a euphoric bliss like some strange narcotic, it's kind of like that fantasyland feeling that no matter how good something gets, there's something missing. The void. Add to that several crazy dreams in the nights to come, including one of me meeting a future self and being beaten down because I was unable to decipher some code latter-Torley had written. So, I was sent back to the present.

I've had a lot of wonderful adventures in Second Life and met a lot of wonderful people. I've said this many times before and will say it many time again.?I feel conflicted though, because I want to return fulltime to my techno?music, but because of my hyperacusis, I can't. Not yet. But even if I do, then my world will be divided again. Oh sure, I can do both, but precarious time management is not my strong suit. Multitasking is a challenge to me and this specialty of mine may be narrow, but furrowed deep. I'll refrain from quoting any choice adages ATM… however.. OMG… I'm listening to Bjork's "Joga" right now. The lyrics are so fitting, including:

All these accidents,
That happen,
Follow the dot,
Coincidence,
Makes sense,
Only with you,
You don't have to speak,
I feel.

Emotional landscapes,
They puzzle me,
Then the riddle gets solved,
And you push me up to this

I have many answers I am looking for, but the problem is that I don't even know the questions to them yet. In hindsight, it's so easy, and makes so much sense; looking at the timeline and deconstructing it. What's done is done and I can't help but wonder how differently my life would be if I wasn't in SL right here, right now. (To this day, I still haven't read Snow Crash, which inspired Second Life. It is particularly strange because I always tried to borrow it from the library and it was always on hold, while other big titles like Neuromancer were available.) Through a series of events, I came to be aware of SL and this is where I am.

Through Second Life, something new has been brought out in me. And feelings I'd felt before but was never?able to really feel with the intensity I have,?lately.?Things have changed and will continue to do so. But change entails saying goodbye. I don't like goodbyes because I want to treat my meaningful relationships as one long, ribbonlike conversation, streaming throughout the spacetime continuum, and held together by numerous positive adjectives. I am kind of uncomfortable with saying "Hello" too, because as they say, all good things must come to an end, and endings have beginnings. Opening myself up puts myself at risk, but there are also so many rewards. The richness of connecting with another human being and discovering you get along really well — sharing fun and good vibes along the way. Maybe more. I don't know. I don't define these things, but I try to listen and learn and observe what is happening.

Like the breakdown section in an epic trance anthem, there is a time when life's foundation (like the kick drum and bassline) is taken away and there's just this contemplative space, like a vast ocean, to indulge in. It can be unsettling, but if you're in the water, you've gotta swim to survive. We read messages in life that won't make sense yet, we hang out with friends just because we enjoy it, a rainbow is supposedly?a promise, and there are many more journeys to come.

Not everything has a purpose but I'd like to believe that things happen for a reason.

There is something in my heart I need to awaken. <3

????

Onwards!