7 useless things that don’t need to be said… ever again!
Posted on: June 18, 2008I disclaim being guilty of saying some of the following on occasion; if you catch me, call me out on it so I can improve! Here’s a shortlist of what and why it isn’t helping:
“IMHO (In My Humble Opinion)” - Just get to the point. You’re a human, we know you have an opinion. Whether or not it’s humble has little to do with its worth — some of the boldest, brashest opinions are the most effective because they… get to the point. (And often, it’s not a singular point, but a process, which I’ll explain more about in the future.)
“It may not be for everyone/it’s not everyone’s taste” - Of course it isn’t! About nothing worthwhile, basic human needs aside, is for everyone. If some people can hate Jello, the Beatles, and cute kittens (and they do) then don’t apologize for putting forth your tastes.
“I’m sorry, this is cheesy/corny/sappy…” - You may’ve heard this when someone had a “guilty pleasure” or acted in sheer awe like a child on Xmas Day. Good gosh, if you enjoy something, especially if you’re spontaneous and excited, there’s seldom need to apologize for it. Don’t weaken the delivery of something meaningful you want to share. Never apologize for wonder. LIVE!
“Don’t get me wrong, but…/Don’t take this the wrong way, but…” - Someone will always get you wrong. We’re talking about humans, the same species who’d rather figure out a shiny new toy hands-on than peruse the whole manual. Which means, even if you write out simple instructions, a whopping majority won’t read through or will outright skip them, and are more interested in expressing themselves than listening. So be a great listener, embrace awesome design, articulate yourself as best you can, and have confidence that someone misinterpreting you is at least as much their fault as it is yours.
“We all feel…/I speak for everyone when I say…” - This is hardly ever true. People like to feel more important by amplifying their voices by proxy. By couching themselves as being the voice of a crowd, they become less personally accountable and have a perception of increased security/support. This isn’t necessarily bad, but examine the contents of what follows afterwards very carefully to weed out distorted grandiosity. Even best friends and lifelong lovers have many differences of opinions. That’s healthy.
“Who are you to judge?” - Unnecessary question which is best answered, “I am”. People who say this usually aren’t expecting a serious answer, but creating some sort of holier-than-thou idea-cabin to argue about. Don’t walk in — it’ll collapse with both of you inside!
“Thank you for your patience” - This is an acceptable courtesy on exception, but by far and large, it wears others’ patience thin. Saying it repetitively doesn’t help, but providing useful info or finding more relatable ways to express solidarity and empathy does. E.g., “This sucks! I’m so sorry we screwed up, here’s what we’re doing about it right now, and I promise to followup!”
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June 18th, 2008 at 8:30 PM PDT
Twitter is down!
June 18th, 2008 at 9:15 PM PDT
as someone who was trained as a CSR in RL, i can completely relate with the last bit, i really don't get why we were trained to say those spiels over and over. some aspects of CSR training really needs a reality check. in my experience, whenever i say "thank you for your patience" to someone i am dealing with, they get all the more irate. it really doesn't sound reassuring at all.
Whereas when you EMPATHIZE with them, and offer solutions, this makes them think better of the whole organization.
great post torley, a voice of reason and tolerance you are.
June 18th, 2008 at 9:26 PM PDT
"I can help the next guest" I think that inane statement was started at Disneyland. I can only think,, 'oh boy, I am a guest I get in free!" Please, I am a paying customer!
June 19th, 2008 at 12:39 AM PDT
June 19th, 2008 at 12:41 AM PDT
hmm ok that didn't work. Let's try without the html.
"The basic tool for the manipulation of reality is the manipulation of words. If you can control the meaning of words, you can control the people who must use the words."
Philip K. Dick
June 19th, 2008 at 1:48 AM PDT
"Thank you for your patience!" always reminds of "Thank you for your cooperation!" in the 5th Element.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:31 AM PDT
"At the end of the day…."
"End of"
"Whatever"
- all usually signs of someone not wanting to admit that they position/opinion may be wrong.
"I hear what you're saying, but…"
- No, you haven't heard what I'm saying, you were just preparing your next counter-comment.
"For the benefit of our customers…"
- Practically every PR (hey, lets call a spade a spade, propoganda) dept has tried that line on at some point, when introducing a change that is clearly to the benefit of the company and/or shareholders.
Just a few off the top of my head.
June 19th, 2008 at 5:02 AM PDT
You have opened to me eyes the article
June 19th, 2008 at 5:45 AM PDT
Good reminders for civil conversation. Thanks Torley. I especially hate IMHO tagged on to the end of a statement. We already know if it your opinion - you just expressed it. And why are you humble?
And anything that start out positive, then says, "…but" means nothing good is going to follow that "but."
Let's all think about how to be civil to each other, and always remember there is a real live person with feelings on the other end of that keyboard. I think we forget that far to often because we are so anxious to say what WE feel and believe. Try not to hurt feeling while expressing your beliefs, and make amends if you have mistakenly trodden on someone's toes or been misunderstood (or even better yet, revised your stance to agree with them, after further discussion! I love it when someone opens my mind like that!)
Princess Ivory
June 19th, 2008 at 6:26 AM PDT
I do disagree with item #1, btw.
*You* may know that it's the other's opinion but IMHO (or "I think", "I believe", etc.) makes clear that the person who says is knows it also.
And I am sure that many persons who state things as facts, are actually not aware that it is merely their opinion but instead are convinced that they speak The Truth(TM).
In my opinion (humble or not), there is a big difference between saying "The war in Irak is about Oil" and "IMHO/I think/in my view the war in Irak is about oil!" In fact, I will not even try to enter into a discussion with the first, because I see no use in discussing something which someone believes is True(TM) while it may be a fruitful exchange with the second.
June 19th, 2008 at 12:10 PM PDT
“This sucks! I’m so sorry we screwed up, here’s what we’re doing about it right now, and I promise to followup!”
Yes, please. I miss the days when you were the mouthpiece of Linden Lab through Linden Answers.
The blog now has become a land of spin. Rule #1 is Linden Lab is never wrong. If history shows that Linden Lab made a mistake, then history is wrong, and must be revised.
It is not fooling anyone, and it's fostering a lot of ill will.
June 19th, 2008 at 2:03 PM PDT
I disagree that most of these are useless. "Useless" implies that they are ineffective or serve no purpose, when most of them (esp. #1-4) act as useful social lubricant and help make your audience more receptive.
Without them, one is prone to be interpreted as being abrasive, stubborn, or overly assertive, and thereby put your audience on the defensive. This is especially true with written word, where body language and tone of voice aren't available to convey your emotional state.
Of course, if you are trying to be assertive, then don't use them.
It's true that they can seem annoying or condescending when used in excess, but they can be very useful when used in moderation.
June 19th, 2008 at 3:57 PM PDT
When you're stating something that could seem like you were asserting a fact when you aren't, 'IMHO' is indeed a useful thing to have handy. I don't use it myself, though–I tend to qualify things I say along those lines with phrases like "It appears to me that…" (Funnily enough, my tendency to do that with anything I feel I can't assert as an absolute fact extends from my internet interactions into meatspace. Unfortunately, one of my bosses doesn't seem to handle this way of thinking very well.)
June 19th, 2008 at 4:06 PM PDT
Aren't you going to get fired for saying “We all feel…/I speak for everyone when I say…” is not ever true?
June 19th, 2008 at 4:19 PM PDT
I disagree with most of your assertions here , Torley. Many of these phrases you cite above are subconscious, mental, icebreaker comments that alerts the listener that the speaker is not a total jerk or arrogant.
Granted, ANY phrase can be overused and context is everything. However these phrases are acceptable in conversational settings (which apply to most blogs )..yet may not be acceptable in formal speeches or debates.
Switch Gears : Torley, I saw the following link posted in today's Second Thoughts blog. http://tinyurl.com/6b8no4 Your thoughts?
June 28th, 2008 at 3:21 AM PDT
Don't get me wrong on this, Torley, I also think a lot of these sentences / sayings have their proper - and useful - use.
'IMHO' was already well explained by Mr Beresford. It means 'don't be obliged to see it my way, but I do want to point out my idea here is a bit different'. It's a nice way of saying I Don't Hold the Eternal Truth.
The 'I'm sorry' and 'don't get me wrong' are also used by me often. They make clear I'm not disagreeing or protesting to be mean, but to add something to the discussing, or - as stated above - share my opinion. Especially in text chat, where we can't put intonation in our words, it can be great to have a way to point out that this is not meant 'badly' or 'as an attack on one person', but just because of the facts don't align, or the opinions do not.
And as 'de gustisbus et colorandum non disputantum est' (or something like that) is a proverb that already exists for over 1000 years, I definitely must assume 'it is not everybody's taste' has a reason for existence. If not only because the average English speaking person does not do Latin.
There is one I agree with though, and that is 'Thank you for your patience'. It has it's 'real' use, when somebody is honest about that statement. When it took you some time to do something for someone or when a person was indeed patient, it is nice to thank them for that! Especially as patience is an almost non existing virtue on the web - and even IRL - lately it seems. BUT if it's on a 'logins disabled at the moment. try back later. thank you for your patience.' pop up screen on a certain virtual worlds client, be sure I have no patience and that sentence only adds to my rage! =d
June 29th, 2008 at 11:39 AM PDT
I adore how this post resulted in some really keen, personal perspectives. Thanks to each of you.
Since each of us has our own experiences, including with the above, I've been finding recently that none of the 7 have made any substantial or worthwhile difference in my communication. Granted, it's difficult to measure since often, the response is understated (e.g., someone reacts behind their computer screen and doesn't share that with me).
But I've tried including them in phases and then deliberately not having them in the text — like I said, no observable effect. Thus, why include them?
So I excised them.
My inspiration here, in part, came from Seth Godin, who is an amazing marketer, seems like an earnestly nice guy, and writes more concisely than I'll ever aspire to. ( http://sethgodin.typepad.com/seths_blog/2008/01/just-say-it.html )
I'm sure part of why I decided to write this was Zen philosophy and being minimal — having the requisite words needed to express something without feeing soul-less.
When Internet discussions start off badly and continue on the wrong, heated foot, I've hardly ever seen "IMHO" help clarify the conversation. People don't like to feel dumb or wrong (even if they are!), especially they've already built up a copious pile of words.
No one is going to come off as a jerk if you agree with them.
Simply saying "I'm sorry" is fine when appropriate (I don't agree with apologizing for something you like), but an apology is very different from asking someone to not misinterpret you. The two go together, however.