"In a world when movie theatre mass debaters can make a comeback, in a time where cannibals can be minor celebrities, this wretched rag, criticism, I fear not.
For it is by my foes' very uttering of my name that confirms, honors my existence — power flowing from them unto me.
And the more I am spoken of, whether it is exalted praise or lowminded doggerel, the more I become alive."
-The diaries of Bankton Ashcro#t
"But wouldn't you not believe I ain't on top You weren't the best I didn't know I did have"
i've been left questioning what is real — all of it, of course. i smile tomorrow at the passing of today, old views flickering on the wall like shadow puppets by dim candlelight. i've been man, woman, dog, and so much more; i acknowledge my future identities as multiple-choice. and when i leave this world (which i will, we all do), i won't be gone. always remembered in pixels.
"It's 5 AM and I'm so tired. I need to stay awake, keep myself alert to catch this next outbound flight from YVR into the heart of the Graylands. What awaits me, I don't know, but I need to keep moving. I'm booked to perform a show at Hotel Pouchebonne tonight, and while I know it's but a hollow shell of its former glorious self, the regulars I used to know still frequent the place. Hmph, music… giving them some glimmers of salvation in their living hell. I think I'll lay down awhile and dream of happier times, knowing those days will never come back, but hoping for some new security, some stability in this crazy world…"
I had a vision recently in which I found myself in an amalgamation of most of the post-apocalyptic scenarios I've ever read and seen; within this scene (which was so clear), I walked into a piano saloon, in the lobby of some devastated hotel, and found many downtrodden faces — some clearly imbibing themselves into irreversible toxicity. Try as I might, I could not play "purely happy songs", and everything that spilled out reflected the zeitgeist of this troubled, ruined time. Yet, it was strangely uplifting.
What you are about to hear (and see, as my body movements do communicate this too) is piano music I've improvised that explores a lesser-seen part of me, the part that is drawn to the darkness of fantastic horror — sources like the ubiquitous Stephen King, but also Hellraiser and Books of Blood by Clive Barker, and my adoration for some really creepy, chime-laden movie scores like John Carpenter's Halloween, Fred Myrow's Phantasm, and even the moodier sections of Mike Oldfield's "Tubular Bells" (the intro theme of which was used for The Exorcist, altho certainly containing broad moments of gaiety in later movements). I also took inspiration from some J-Horror, not just movies, but gothic influences of classic games like Castlevania. It isn't a coincidence either that I effected my lighting to look like a Saw set, see? Or perhaps, even reminiscent of NIN's "The Perfect Drug", in all its absinthe-tinged madness.
I began to think of (some of) the saddest things possible, and let those emotions run through my fingertips. At points, it was like a sinister mirror image of Liberace was staring back at me, bearing gems plundered from the murdered and a "fur" coat of human flesh. I couldn't help, in my darker moments, to smile at him, so it was certainly not all serious — black comedy helps us deal with depression and death, but also runs the risk of perpetuating itself into a helpless cycle of laughing about the things we can do nothing about.
Such Great Sadness is partitioned into 6 movements. I won't claim that each one is sadder than the last, but each one of them explores a different "flavor" of that void in your soul, where your worst fears are always living, and if you step in, they might just grab you and tear you to pieces…
MOVEMENT I: Closing hours I performed until I could perform no more, or at least I thought so. Where my mind was gone, my body was present, and I continued to share my songs, so that I might keep traveling…
MOVEMENT II: Shredded fabric Without clothes, we are naked. Without courage, we are afraid. In desperate times, humans can perform incredible acts of self-sacrifice, but at what cost?
MOVEMENT III: Blood & tears Liquid courses through us all. Common bonds unite us to rise up against challenges. But what happens when mutual distrust threatens to divide us?
MOVEMENT IV: Forbidden flight On my way to the next city in a small private copter, I closed my eyes and saw us together, smiling. Good communication is fundamental to a healthy relationship, but when the world's social networks have shattered, it's not easy.
MOVEMENT V: Sustainance/survival The cold weather plays tricks with your senses. It distorts space and time, and locks your good judgment in an isolated cell. Don't turn on yourself.
MOVEMENT VI: Lost again Time, oh precious time. An hour to say whatever you want to the one you care most about. And after that, you'll be separated again. Make it count, and have faith — this isn't the end.
On my right hand, what you can see hanging down sometimes is a bracelet which my beloved wife gave me. It terrifies me even more that I didn't see her in my visions, and I wonder what became of her. In light of that, interspersed between the pieces of this puzzle, you'll find rays of happiness, moments where I know I just won't give up and will continue to search for her, from piano bar to piano bar, making my way across the remains of a charred civilization.
Thankfully, that isn't reality, nor should it be. But day to day, tragedy somehow finds a way into our lives —
Friend, or friend-to-be, if you are feeling down, or perhaps have experienced the loss of a loved one, then perhaps you can relate to these. My goal in sharing them is not to make you sadder, but to help you realize that even within the most overwhelming of sadnesses, there is greatness — some call it "the triumph of the human spirit", I call it being too damned stubborn to give up. And I hope these musics will move and touch you, and help guide you back to brightness.
"FEAR is a powerful motivator, but LOVE is even greater."
