It's like… I'm in a car… something high-tech… going through one of those tunnels with the amber overhead glow, a tunnel that never seems to end. Just the shadows passing over as the beams break through the windows and vanish through the endpoints of the dashboard to the trunk, until the next line scrolls by. I see myself crouching, lying in the back seat. The leather is cool, it's black and this car is very smooth and comparatively silent — at least that's what I know of it.

I'm feeling glum today, and I know why. I could feel better, should feel better, but doing so wouldn't actually make me feel better because of what I know. I don't want to go into details until I've had more time to digest what's going on, but I will just say awful things happen in life. All sorts of tragedy that hurts the more it's closer to you, especially if it's you who's afflicted and tortured. Burning pain is bad, but maybe a numb void is worse, because that way you don't even feel.

Life changes are hard. I guess it's hard for a baby to be splooshed out of a womb; even though the baby can't articulately say it at the time, baby can sure cry. Adolescence is often an awkward stage, and later on, so are things like "mid-life crises". Being a senior must be tough too, because even with lots of cash in the coffin (or coffer), physical health is probably suffering and who knows what else has deteriorated down the drain. When one is old one longs for childhood, but children often want to grow up fast and dress up like Mommy and Daddy. It's such a strange paradox.

What I'm trying to say is . . . I'm going through a really difficult time right now, and I have to. Being difficult like this?isn't a choice, but how I react when I'm in this tunnel with lights going past is. I cannot freeze up with fear.?In the front seat, the driver, is my beloved Jadey, and I'm thinking I should move there, to?the passenger seat, so I can be more than her passive pet and be beside her again. Especially during this time: the car's in motion though, and I'm going to have to move fast.

This loop is almost over.