Life sure does work in strange ways. Or as Stephen King has said, "I guess when you turn off the main road, you have to be prepared to see some funny houses." Before I got out of bed, I was wondering what to blog about today. I'm sure there would be something — I just didn't know it YET. I perused the SL Forums as I tend to, and ah… I came across a thread titled "Autism in SL". I thought, "Hey, I wonder what this is about?" and I quickly dove in, setting my curiosity factor to Warp 10.?(Yus, I know. )

Needless to say, several minutes later,?I found myself quite disappointed in how that thread went. You can?decide for yourself. I did not make a post, nor did I want to because of the hostility within, and Robin Linden?locked it at the tail.?But the flipside is that it's a blessing in that I got to gain greater depth into how I am perceived, and how my friends got to the core of my character in a way I could not. To them, I am thankful, and I hope to continue contributing in return to the crazy fun in their lives. I have long felt any self-assessment I make is incomplete and void of a certain something, which is why I am in search of that "constant state of revolution". Not only for myself, but for others. For humanity.

SO HERE WE GO, CONTROVERSY! But of course, I will address?the issues?firmly but politely, and only from my personal perspective. I am me and that's all I can be, after all.

Here is what I, Torley, have to say about myself, autism, and Second Life:

• There's a RRL (Really Redundant Loop) happening here. I've seen this occur time before, and will no doubt see it time again. On several forums now, there has been someone who has taken objection with my condition without asking me directly beforehand. Hey, like I like to say: when in doubt, ask!?Please. You know how to reach me here… it's not like escaping the Circles of Hell.

• If you're not familiar with Asperger's, I recommend this article as a primer. And also consider the opening sentence:
  • Asperger's syndrome (ASD), is a pervasive developmental disorder commonly referred to as a form of "high-functioning" autism.

• I meet most of the diagnostic criteria. Or have met it, past-tense. I have checked the DSM IV and other sources of information judiciously, and?utilizing the logical methodology of?science, have vigorously tried to disprove that I have Asperger's over and OVER again. I have failed in this so far. I will disclaim that I have not been formally diagnosed by a medical professional, but I will say that without disclosing too much personal info about my kin, I have a second cousin, who has been. Other members of my family display autistic traits. Before my Father died last year, without understanding what autism is, he related tales to me of being?a "robot boy" not unlike popular perception of AS. I have asked my Mother for personal accounts, as well as others who are important?in my life. I am still trying to disprove I have a form of autism… it has not worked thus far!

• Historically, I was a loner. I was sick and tired of being alone. I wanted to reach out and connect. The people who see me on SL have not really seen a lot of my offline childhood. It wasn't the hardest growing up, but I had a lot of frustration at not being able to relate better to my peers. I was good in school, yeah, but antisocial and quite rude and selfish at times. It came to the point — or series of events, rather –?where I didn't want to be like that anymore.

• I'll inject some humor-juice into this: "Persistent preoccupation with parts of objects" is part of the diagnostic criteria. YES, THAT MEANS WATERMELON SLICES! *smiles bigtime*

• Jillian Callahan hit it spot-on for me. I have precisely what is described as Asperger's Syndrome, right now. The reason why I emphasize "right now," is because life is an open book full of twists and terms, and terminology?is subject to change.?Who knows what they'll call it in a decade? Why make such a big deal over a label? And isn't it silly to stereotype? People are people, indeed, and each one is unique. I'll quote Jillian on this:

  • I've no doubt in my mind that all Torley is doing is using a word she knows that others will recognise. Why say "I've got Asperger's" when most will stare blankly at you, when you can sya "I've got a form of autism called ASperger's" - people respond better if they think they know what you're talking about.

• Like?TECHNOlogically-based music, ya know? (My, how many times have I?had to say that?)?One man's "Epic House" is another woman's "Progressive Trance". And oh, if you don't know what those are… you can learn here, it's fun! (=

• Asking "What is autism?" is a loaded question best left to personal opinion. I'm not?an expert,?but I like to learn. It is a question that is similar to "Define techno music?" and "Is Second Life a game?" in its flame-baiting potential. This, too, is redundant, so rather than ever present a closed-box mentality, I prefer to portray myself as being on a journey, where we are all here to learn AND have fun.

• I use "Asperger's syndrome" and "autism" as labels for convenience and accessibility. Not for 100% accuracy, but it's good enough for me. This is my personal preference. If you disagree, please do say so, but I encourage you to do it with the same tact and grace I would do unto you, as to encourage further thoughtful discussion and NOT hurtful insults.

• I have been a regular on more than a handful on forums about Autism and Asperger's. Two of the communities I treasure, although I'm currently not posting, are Aspergian Island and WrongPlanet — they're great places with a lot of support and info. Feel free to look up the name "Torley". Yes, that's me. I did not cook this up overnight. I am not pretending to be an autistic. You are most welcome to read my blog entries too, dating way back to the beginning. If someone choses to judge me without having read what I have to say, in my own words, then that really saddens me. The information is here for a purpose. And that purpose is so that I may communicate with you better, which is apparently something I have had difficulties with. So I'm trying!
  
  
• I do not use saying "I am autistic" as a crutch. Rather, I use it as a way of self-empowerment, to show myself how far I have come, and how far I have left to go. I also use it as a way of showing that not all autistics are like Rainman, although I enjoyed that motion picture very much. There is a movie featuring Asperger's characters coming up called Mozart and the Whale.

• If you spend time with me, you may start to notice certain?things.

• The autistic spectrum is one with all sorts of colors (mine are obviously neon watermelon ), with each person special and who should be treated humanely, given the grace of life willing. Furthermore, I would rather talk openly about it than repress it in the dark, and while autism is?by no means an excuse for my behavior, it is a facilitator for me explaining why I am the way I am. I seek forgiveness from those who I mess up with, as I HAVE A HORRIBLE TENDENCY TO OVERLOOK THE OBVIOUS AND MISREAD SOCIAL CUES. *sighs and pats her hands in her lap*Again and again, this is part of why I'm on Second Life, to better myself and to motivate others to better themselves too.

• I am open to discussing autism as a way to enlighten and inform. Fight ignorance with knowledge.

• Related to the above, the reason why I say AEF — Autistic, Eccentric, and Friendly — is to combat stereotypes of autistic people or eccentric people not being friendly.?I embrace contradictions, and if this seems like a paradox, there!, ya've got it. Bingo.

• I make a big deal about autism because I am autistic. I make a big deal about watermelons because I eat watermelons. Past the circular references, I am passionate about what I believe in, and enthused about?being able to make a positive difference in this world. That sounds fluffy and lofty, yes, and these ideals are what I can genuinely aspire to. I've had enough of the darkness. Bring on the sunshine!

• In case anyone's wondering — and I'm reasonably certain that a few are — I used to be a mediocre communicator on the Internet in comparison to how I share my thoughts + feelings today. In fact,?I was banned on a regular basis?and caused a lot of trouble with flamewars. I regret this deeply.

• I enjoy self-improvement. This is a good redundancy, me saying this time and time again!!

• I take the autism spectrum, and the human spectrum of diversity, extremely seriously.?It's NOT a joke. I dunno how many times I have to say this, but having typed this out, I hope this blog entry will be a useful point-of-reference in the future. I am here to help others. I don't know exactly how to define "low-functioning" or "high-functioning" or other states apart from parroting and paraphrasing what I've read, because I've only lived as myself. I choose not to judge others unfairly.

• It displeases me, aka pisses me off, to have to explain myself so many times. Viewing it as more of a personal test of endurance, however, makes me see it in a brighter light. It teaches me patience and grace and humbles me.

• To wit, Cristiano Midnight, who recently interviewed me for Chat History on Second Language, made an insightful post. He tends to do that. He said, and I very much agree with this:
  • I suggest that you actually try speaking to Torley instead of just slurring someone in a forum.

• Torley Jr., as represented on Second Life, is meant to be a sort of projection of my (Torley Wong, offline) future daughter. She is meant to be better than I will ever be at personal relations and at interacting with the world. It is?roleplaying to a certain degree with the time-travel angle, but indubitably,?I have learned many life lessons from this as well.?Somewhere in between, there is an equilibrium. I don't think I'll ever reach it, but I'll be damned if I don't give it a good shot.

• Being in Second Life has given me a lot. I like to give back. John Prototype's Project Brigadoon?is up and I'm excited about it. I had a chance to talk with him inworld a few days ago — synchronicity, really, as I went islandhopping. John has considerable experience and I got good vibes from him, so I'm going to follow the stream and see where the water flows. I'm touched by what is happening here.

• I am me and that's all I can be.
  

Thank you graciously for reading this. It means a lot to me. =^_^=

?"The sun always rises
The moon always shines
And in the end
Everything will be fine! :)"
-Torley Sr.