On occasion, I get asked about what's my secret to being so creative, vital, and happy. I'm sure others think about it more than it is said to me directly (aka a Jerry Macguireish "things we think and do not say"), and it's not a secret.
When I was younger, I used to be overly modest and cut down on stating my skills. I now realize how very wrong that is, and mentioning what I'm good at not only makes me feel better, but more importantly, can inspire my fellow human beings. And those who are jealous should take a closer look at their talents and assets, so they'd feel better too.
I'd like to share some practical ideas I've sculpted over the years, which I continue to shape as I live by them.
All of the following are interconnected, and come as a set. I've written them down because they've held true for me. They do continue to evolve, and were hard to put into words. As I have before, I'll prolly look at this a few months down the road and find things that need to be updated, or altogether adjusted because I've found a better way. This is life.
Before I continue, I've wanted to do this for a long time, and now I am:
1. Embrace contradictions, but don't be a hypocrite
I contradict myself all the time. It's lovely. F. Scott Fitzgerald once wrote:
I often find myself doing this, not just with two opposing ideas, but many, many more. The world for me isn't shades of gray, but a vivid rainbow. By keeping in mind that a belief may be applicable to one context but not another, it makes my life easier, and I don't have to feel conflicted.
A specific analogy: Aphex Twin's "Girl/Boy Song", which is fast AND slow at the same time. How can this possibly be? It depends on how you listen to it: if your focus is on the pizzicato strings, it sounds leisurely and airy; if you're concentrating on the frenetic, smoothly jagged beats, then it comes across as a breakneck race.
The same thing holds true for us in our daily lives: as is commonly said (hello passive voice!), we wear many hats. Even the most powerful and civilized humans have carnal urges, and that's why there's so many celebrity scandals. And as old as we get, we want to be held and loved like babies, yet more often than not, we're afraid to admit this. Realizing that yes, you can have it all — really! — is the first truth. Repeat this to yourself until it's like a comfortable, well-worn pair of jeans.
Hypocrisy is when you profess you believe in something when you don't. Embracing contradictions requires actual, and arguably greater beliefs!
2. Take a weakness and make it a strength
One of my pseudo-hidden aims in life is to take my shortcomings, and advance myself to such a stage that onlookers don't realize it, and believe me to be "normal". Canya believe that? I'm not aiming for the mundane, but what I refer to as the omnitrue.
Take my Asperger Syndrome, for example. I used to make such a big deal out of it, but don't anymore. I've advanced in my interpersonal development to such a degree that people without AS and Aspies alike have accused me of faking it. Well, label or not, there's no doubt that in online world of Second Life, I'm regarded as — gasp! — a socializer. Something at odds with the stereotypical, mildly autistic recluse.
They wouldn't have come true if I didn't open myself: if you get to know me, I'm hopeful you'll be observant enough to see not just a shard, but the whole me. Which brings me to...
3. Have multiple personalities at the same time
In Second Life (which I refer to often because it is such an important part of all my lives), alternate accounts, or alts, are used for different purposes: having some private time or exploration of the self are two reasons.
I have alts, but I also have multiple Torleys — many watermelon avatars — in my main account. Each (future daughter, robot, bird, bunny, dog, etc.) is a member of the "Torley Council", my internal visualization for the multifaceted and contradictory aspects of who I am. Just like wearing clothes to match your mood, I have many characters that are different, but undeniably all me.
I find it's downright damaging when a person fragments pieces of themselves, disturbing the whole. I'm no clinical psychologist, but I do know one of the factors that's empowered me to get things done is how I can vary my style and approach. I've composed all kinds of music from soft piano ballads to hyperkinetic grooves, and when I write, I can do it very formally, or I can scribble like a squirrel on nutcrack.
Adore your personal pantheon. Wake up each day and know you can live this way. You can do hard work and have fun. You can be wild while presenting a profound message afterwards. Again, you can have it all.
Related, it takes someone who's mastered this to understand another with a multipersonality, so don't be surprised if you get here on your road of life and get shallow comments blind to other parts of you. It's why versatile actors hate being typecasted — because they know they have so much more to offer. And so do you. Or more correctly, yous plural!
4. State the obvious
... because chances are, someone else won't! One of my favorite stories is The Emperor's New Clothes. It's easy to make bold statements and say you stand for something that others also believe in, since you have backup. It's also easy to make unpopular statements in this day and age, because of how the press plays heroes and villains and glamorizes fake rebels. For this reason, being contrarian is often cowardly, since it takes more courage to agree with the good you see in your opponent than to attack them.
I often think: what happened after The Emperor's New Clothes? Did the Emperor, after being humiliated, execute townspeople? Or did he thank the small child who called him out and consult her for fashion tips in the future? I'd like to think it's the latter, because I believe the child only wanted the best for his ruler.
So you don't have to "go against the grain", but you do have to vocalize good observations that everyone else around you is missing out on. The best fictional character I can think of to represent this is Forrest Gump.
The world's short on Gumps.
5. Play the point/counterpoint game
Inner conflicts lead to outer peace.
To every point, there is a counterpoint. This is a word I picked up from studying the contrapuntal (why not "counterpointal"? The mind boggles) works of J.S. Bach. Works of art are more interesting to me when a bevy of reviews describes them from a plurality of perspectives and backgrounds. I like to know the context of how the art came to be, as well as what prompted someone to make X reference and Y allusion in their commentary.
We're all familiar with debates, whether they're on TV between political candidates, or in an academic environment. The term "Devil's advocate" is also used when considering the ramifications of a given opinion, but doesn't go further enough.
Oftentimes in my head, I visualize members of the Torley Council arguing:
- "Do something you normally wouldn't!"
- "It's so predictable this will happen if you do that!'
- "There's existing history to what you're suggesting to try, and it didn't work last time."
- "Members of the Council vote in favor of doing this by a slim minority!"
- "Redundant!"
It sounds noisy, doesn't it? But just like Bach's music, valuable, varying opinions are like melody lines, arranged in a creative tapestry. I can zoom back, look at the big picture, and lucidly see why it's beneficial to take more than one voice in a given passage — in other words, just like #1, embracing contradictions!
Just about every good piece of advice you were ever taught or told, will and can becontradicted by another.
So, frequently reform "the government in your head". Follow the crowd when you want creature comforts, strike out on your own when you're not satisfied. Mix up your methodology and refine the techniques that work for you time and time again. One of the reasons I love my watermelon color scheme — hot pink and neon green — is because I know it'll be goodly rare for some amount of time. Before I came to this conclusion, I interrogated myself on why it's valuable to me: dialog in the Torley Council revealed while it's an easy target for criticism, ultimately, the far greater win is watermelons make me memorable. And thus, I continue onwards, waving my watermelon flag.
The end result of playing the point/counterpoint game is that you will have extensively compiled the outcomes to a given scenario, and become a better decision-maker in less time. The world will be more predictable, making your life easier, and freeing you for more important surprises.
6. Startle yourself
I used to wonder if "startle" was a portmanteau of "start and little".
Startling yourself degenerates atrophied mindcrap holding you back from living your dreams. They break holding patterns, and infact help you unlearn your suffering.
After all, how can you be afraid if you don't remember what scares you?
Go out for a treat and reward yourself with an ice cream flavor that you've never had before, but may possibly be your future favorite!
7. ... it just matters how confident you are
Full version: it doesn't matter whether what you believe in is true or false, it just matters how confident you are.
Both for fair and unfair circumstances — it worked so well for Enron, didn't it? It's made waifish girls into all-out popstars. Consider cult leaders too. And time after time in history, rumors get the unconfident crowd whipped up, and have a very real effect on people's lives and how they perceive control (or lack thereof) in the world. If you're on the Internet reading this, I'm sure you've heard of confidence scams too.
They're all connected: it's essential to trust yourself, and be watchful of those who would betray that trust, while at the same time instilling confidence on others who matter to you, and nurturing their own strength. Especially if you're working in a team, the effects of low morale can spread like toxic sewage. Conversely, being motivated and really, really believing in what you're doing communicates confidence.
Remember, confidence isn't necessarily about being in control of a situation, but being in control of yourself.
8. Give at least one compliment everyday
As the popular adage goes: "If you have something nice to say, say it!"
Compliments are like Pokémon: there are so many of them, and who wouldn't want to "Catch 'em all"? If you don't share your kind thoughts, they'll get lonely, sickly, and possibly die.
Give your compliment-pets care and feeding, and loving homes in hearts like your own.
9. Be a time traveler
Aye, it's me — you knew time travel had to show up sometime!
While time travel as visualized in such fun flicks like Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure and Back to the Future isn't quite possible, we do have fantastic faculties available to us. Say what?
- Keep a diary. Even better, keep a blog. Blogging regularly not only keeps me openly accountable to where I am in life, it's also a useful personal record when I want to look back and see how I lived in the last few weeks, months, years. People all-too-often get emotionally distorted and make poor judgments because they're forgetful of what they did before (past history), or what they want to do (future goals). Keeping track of your personal chronology like a Time Lord puts life in the balance.
- Take lots of pictures along the way. Nowadays, it doesn't matter if you take them offline or in an online world, because they're memories of events you participated in, and likely include people in your life. They'll jog other further memories to keep you on track. Bonus points if you share them with others to jog 'em too, like I have with my Flickr and Snapzilla photostreams.
- Got something fun you haven't done in a long time? Do it! Once, I was hanging out by my old elementary school's playground at night. I lamented about how long it was since I rode the swings, and one of my friends encouraged me to go for it. I did, releasing a smile in the cool night air, and felt a flood of feelings from when I was young, tender, and didn't feel so encumbered being "grown up". And yet, I realized I can still go on the swings, nothing was stopping me.
- If you did go back in time to a younger version of yourself, what kind of role model would you be? Would the young you be proud of the older you? Or would they recoil in disgrace and look for someone else to be inspired by? Consider the heroes and heroines you looked up to as a kid. Did you become one of them, or their arch-nemesis? Exercising my imagination like this protects me from doing dumbass things (at least most of the time, heh), and keeps me on the right track.
10. Love more
I don't think I really realized how grateful I am to be alive until three things happened: (1) I learned about Asperger Syndrome and it changed how I view myself; (2) my depression following hyperacusis; and (3) my Dad died. Following this shattered part of my life, I rebuilt it as a colorful, stained-glass bricolage, using Second Life to channel my thoughts + feelings.
Things are even better today: I'm in love with a wonderful woman, I have a job working for Linden Lab, I have a lot of new friends I met through the Internet, and my Mom and Bro are doing alright. It sounds like some cheesy cornball tale, doesn't it? No, it doesn't.
This is my reality, and I've created it.
I ever, never forget how bad things were, and I have a paper with my blood on the wall to remind me of when — one of several times — I tried to kill myself. There will be adversity ahead, but I never want to feel that low again. In openly accepting this, I can continue living.
If you are intimately going to understand what is good, pure, and true, then you must ditch negative adjectives clinging onto positive wonders, like scraping barnacles from the hull of your life's journey's gleaming vessel.
Love is not to be trifled with, happiness is something to be proud of, and may your passion help the people in your life find their joy too. More love means more life.
{ 6 comments… read them below or add one }
That is a nice picture of you, now the secret is out, he’s terribly handsome on top of all his other goodness. *smiles*
Wow, that sure is a delicious looking piece of watermelon in that picture. I love how you think, and I admire how prolifically you write. Great advice, I am glad you share it with the world.
When we go on the train to pass out candy I’m going to pack assorted flavored tootsie rolls, smarties and skittles. Taste the rainbow of fruit flavor and all that. >(@@@@@@@)(||||||||||||)
Hello. I love you. Let’s go train-traveling together. <3
*here’s some more candy*
Aww, such an inspirational post, and remarkedly similar to the values I lead.
I ALWAYS perform random acts of kindness – in fact, if I try to make it a habit of going out of my way to help people I dont know. I work as a Relationship Manager for the worlds largest bank, and deal with a pretty diverse and large portfolio of everyday customers. In fact, theyre customers who probably need more financial bailing out than the regular people. I go out of my way to make sure that they understand everything that I’m doing for them, and push alot of workmates hard to get things done for my custoers in the time frame that they need it. I think this constitutes a good deed every day, and cause I like helping others, I take it as a persoanl victory, and an esteem booster – knowing that I’ve probably changed someones life for the better in a pretty significant way. I deal over the phone too, so I NEVER see them, so can never fully be thanked either.
The point counterpoint bit is pretty true to form too – I always find myself having out loud arguements with myself about things! =P Kinda freaks the people I work with out at times, as I have a small argument, list the pros and cons out loud, then decide on an answer and run with it…
Re the multiple personalities thing – I had a conversation with a friend in world about her always having floating text of a different character name on every new avatar she has, and asked her why she does it. She explained to me that she liked to have different characters to fulfil differnt moods and roles. It got me thinking, and I developed a few of my own too, as seen on my profile.
Theres 4, and they represent me at different stages in my life – a young hyperactive littlefur, a troubled teen trying to find her place in the world, a boring yet most normal semi-grown up, and finally the less social yet more funky me. I change them depending on my mood, and act depending on how the character is meant to represent me. At first, it was wierd, but after a while, I grew to adopt the different stages I can go through in a week – and so have those around me. It’s fun too, to be a littlefur, and kill 30 minutes at a time running around after a ball in a sandbox, headbutting it, running back, lining it up again and charging it, over and over! =P
And finally – before I stop hijacking your blog – the taking a negative and turning it into a positive thing is a VERY VERY big thing of mine!! I’ll be the first to say that my life hasnt been all peaches and cream when I was growing up, and I too have tried to leave it a few times, but it got me nowhere. Instead, I decided one day in an act of self-strength, to look past the negative, and focus on the positives that the negative brings.
Such as, say, a break up from a relationship: sure, I lost someone I felt alot for, but hey, now I’m single, and can come and go as I please, get out and probably meet more interesting people which I wouldnt have been able to meet otherwise. Losing a job I thought I liked: sure, I liked the job and the people I worked with, and found the job easy, but the upside was I progressed further in my professional career – I moved up the heirarchy to a higher management position, earning more money, in a better company, and have a global company at my fingertips should I ever decide to transfer internally to an international location. Well.. you get my point..
It seems you and me arent too dissimilar after all Torly.. =)
Nanaki, thank you graciously for taking the time to write this; I don’t think you’re hijacking my blog at all. Au contraire, I’ve never thought we’re dissimilar: specifically the fact you’re a prolific commenter, means you must be able to relate in some way… or ways plural!
What I’m concerned with, with a lot of humans — is precisely the lack of keeping track of time I alluded to. Someone in a bummed-out situation can’t see their bright tomorrows, let alone their proud achievements from days previous. So really, a “bird’s-eye-view” (and that avian better be able to fly into outer space!) can be of such help when going through life, for all its pains and pleasures.
I am happy you have multiple personalities too.
P.S. “Relationship Manager” sounds like a pretty kewl job title!
I guess you can say I DO do a bit of time travelling in my day to day stuff. Probably not as much as you do though, but I think about things in alot of detail, and then think of myself in future situations, acting out the end result.
Like, doing something at work, and either thinking about standing on stage getting an award, or getting a new office with a view in 5 years time for all the good work I do, etc. =P
And yeah, I prefer “Relationship Manager” over my correct title, which is bornig and authoritative. =^.~=
The coolest is: when you find yourself achieving a goal which you could only grasp at days, weeks, months, years ago. It’s those moments in which I feel time almost folds — like taking two ends of licorice and sticking them together — and that’s when I feel rippleshock.
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