People don't like you because they're earlier versions of you
Posted on: May 25, 2008Do you not like someone because of who they are, or because of who you aren't? Jealousy is part of it. Jealousy always is. But let's consider personal development for a moment: say you've invested a lot of time, energy, money, and other resources in learning how to play guitar. Infact, over a stretch of years, you've gotten quite adept at twanging out riffs and blazing solos. Someone else who's just started on their guitar journey openly insults you… why? While they won't admit it (few of the few ever do), it's because in terms of their own growth, they're but a tyke while you may already be an elder statesman of the School of Rock.
By "earlier versions", I refer to specifics such as someone who: hasn't learned a skill as well as you, doesn't have the well-learned adventures of traveling worldwide as you have, or someone who simply doesn't have enough experience in a given area that you possess… which they don't. Money, sex, and power are often coefficients, not inherently wrong in themselves, yet their disproportionality serves to addle the minds of many.
So yes, they want to improve, to be more like you (in some ways), but instead of taking that action, they back away from it. Here's why:
Jealousy and coveting are often tied to not having something, or fear of that something being lost. Rather than act forwards, we flinch in reverse. I'm no armchair psychologist, but I've observed a lot of snide, stupid remarks targeted at child prodigies over the years — it's easy to hate on the little geniuses if your youth felt inferior, and even easier if you can make your perception of them match being a jerk, douchebag, or some such egocentric personality. It's hard to do this if they're nice. 
But, then the attackers go for the lowmind blow of hatin' on rainbows & sunshine!
In turn, an unsurprising amount of nascent talents burn themselves out trying to live up to artificial and unhappy pressures, in uncomfortably Bergeron-esque societies which don't celebrate shared excellence. Other talents remain undiscovered still, buried amidst deep-seated insecurity and a failure of observe what is wonderful about one's self. This is no good for anyone, especially because the societies of our world stand to be enriched by a diverse ecology of people, no matter where you come from.
It becomes a lame game of:
"I'll say something nasty! That'll make me feel better, and it's a justifiable use of my time."
Of course it doesn't. Of course it isn't. It creates more waste and pain, as witnessed in Ariel Waldman's recent crappy time.
The title isn't the only reason why people might not like you, but more often than not, you'll notice counterparts in former stages of development who've yet to evolve to your level. A couple fine fictional examples are The Talented Mr. Ripley and Great Expectations: in both, the protagonists came from lowly backgrounds and strove to be a lot more like others they envied, altho how they achieved it was in bitter, caustic, hurtful ways.
If more people spent their lives being creative, celebrating shared excellence, and moving things forward, we really would be better off. Not just in an abstract sense, but emotions leading to actions: we feed on happiness, and the more we have, the more we can give, to do awesome things and attack the many existing problems that do confound us. This is why I, as an artist, emphasize starting protroversies.
We very rarely need have to have personal success at the expense of others. A much more effective thing to do is to continue improving ourselves, teaching others what we've learned, and asking ourselves if problems that do come up are really unavoidable complications or artificially-constructed trouble (that has more to do with inflexible minds and inner "early version-ness" than GPT — Good, Pure, True — happiness).
Then too, if your dislikers would drop their useless mental slop and embrace you as a potential teacher, possible mentor, and even a friend, your and their world — what you both get out of life — would be better. It isn't hard to do, but the negative emotions eat away at people's minds; it's a type of psycho-acid which severs the ability to make positive connections and get more out of life. Yes, it's total nonsense for one to cripple their life and make it worse instead of better, but spend a few moments thinking about someone who didn't like you.
And the next time you don't like someone, ask:
"What is it they have which I don't? And what's the most healthy, happy way for me to have that, too? Would I be more at peace with myself and them after having it?"
Reflect quietly and think how absurd many social constructs are in the world. Of how many cluttered and confusing messages we're jammed with, but in the end, the best way to have a clear voice is: listen to yourself, then help a fellow human.
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Be my friend!
May 25th, 2008 at 9:14 AM PDT
Interesting post… never thought of it that way.
Thanks!
Jeff McCord
http://www.jeffmccord.org
May 25th, 2008 at 10:18 AM PDT
"If more people spent their lives being creative, celebrating shared excellence, and moving things forward, we really would be better off."
exactly!
"…the best way to have a clear voice is: listen to yourself, then help a fellow human."
and that, my friend, is one of the main reasons why i blog my heart out
thanks for sharing your thoughts. keep on teaching others. i'm learning a lot from your Second Life tutorials and thoughtful musings. keep 'em coming.
~C
May 25th, 2008 at 10:29 AM PDT
He who seeks happiness
By hurting those who seek happiness
Will never find happiness
–Buddha
May 25th, 2008 at 1:00 PM PDT
Very true and well put, Torley.
I would say that your recommendation is very much aligned with a "Burning Man"-esque ethos, the positive effects of which are easily seen in all aspects (art and community) there. I can think of example after example of peeps that came up with incredible works of art, interaction and community while being surrounded by more of the same. It helps that artists are far from secretive snobs, more like proud parents who love to babble about their pride and joy, and are willling to share infos and help each other out. A overriding welcoming feeling.
Sadly, the past few years at BM have seen more (but still isolated) examples of the opposite, but interestly these few "bad apples" are only shining a spotlight onto the obviousness of their bad behaviour, because it's so counter to the community ethos as a whole it sticks out. It's quite clear that in fact what they are saying is "I'm jealous that I don't think I can do something so great myself so I'm just going to be a huge jerk right now" and the community roundly rejects this ethos.
(Sorry, Burning Man the RL event is on my mind a lot lately as it grows closer. You should go someday, Torley!)
May 25th, 2008 at 2:22 PM PDT
I usually agree with what you have to say Torley, but I have to say that I don't think you've thought this one through. Are you suggesting that if someone loathes, say, a rapist, or a war criminal or a child molester, that we envy them on some level?
May 25th, 2008 at 2:55 PM PDT
I find this a fascinating discourse, and QueenKellee I think you are veering off on another track, there. I perceive the "dislike" he is talking about to be more of an inexplicable feeling of aversion about someone you come in contact with socially.
But, yeah, this is definitely some mind meat to chew on.
May 25th, 2008 at 11:58 PM PDT
The above comment was meant to be addressed to agent smurf, not QueenKellee, sry.
May 26th, 2008 at 5:18 AM PDT
"If more people spent their lives being creative, celebrating shared excellence, and moving things forward, we really would be better off. " -Torley
I am going to paint this onto the side of my car. THANK you, Torley. Seriously, lets make bumper sticker and billboards and posters and . . . OH! and make them free!
May 26th, 2008 at 9:58 AM PDT
Hi Torley!
I need help choosing a first name for a new Second Life account. I don't know if I should use my real life first name. Is "Torley" your real life first name?
May 26th, 2008 at 2:16 PM PDT
Amen Torley!
Thanks for sharing your thoughs
*Lula*
May 26th, 2008 at 6:32 PM PDT
Hey.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:49 PM PDT
In my experience, as with guitar, hockey, or graphic design (my fortes) I find the pendulum swings the other way.
As a rookie in any field, I value and seek out the advice of other, more experienced people. Arrogance or jealousy may fly in high school, but legitimate gripes in real fields will end your career in said fields.
I'm decent at guitar, was in the ECHL and do design for a living… and I find that I have little patience and often snap at the "noobs". It takes a LOT of effort to be nice and mentor the people starting out, in essence "I don't like people because they're earlier versions of me". It takes a big heart and patience to mentor these people, because either you can never think of yourself sucking at guitar that bad, or you're protecting your career (ie they're a threat), or you've paid your dues playing hockey.
That's just my experience. I've always been humble… but the few things I actually excel at I defend and get jealous over, especially when that person shows promise. Being helpful and not threatened is great, and usually those below you really look up to you and respect that, much less remember it for years to come.
May 26th, 2008 at 9:50 PM PDT
queen smurf, let's not use "worst case scenario" here. Lets bring your comments back down to the realm of possibilities. Look up "logical fallacy".
June 1st, 2008 at 10:49 AM PDT
Thanks for the appreciated comments! Wise words. KEEP SHARING FORTH.
@QueenKellee: I've only been to Burning Life in SL and not to the real Burning Man, but I'd definitely say I'm aligned with that creative spirit. If I was born in the 60s, I might be a hippie-beatnik hybrid. Those are the sorts of life philosophies I embrace, altho am certainly not limited to.
I like the comparison you drew re: proud parents. Some musicians openly say their songs are like their children. I'm not a godfather (not in the mafia but in the goodwill, friend-of-the-family sense) but if I were, I'd definitely impart lots of knowledge in hopes to helping to raise someone well and expose them to flavorful, lively possibilities.
@agent: No. But, I will add this: people who're widely/morally perceived as "good" or "bad" can have plentiful "toolsets" to work with, and the ends which they shape can greatly differ. For example, highly intelligent killers like the Unabomber who used their smarts to hurt others. Some people spend their lives inventing problems/causing hurt for fellow humans instead of bettering themselves and also enhancing lives (by sharing). That's deplorable and tragic, without a doubt.
@Lovebird: I replied in http://torley.com/never-apologize-for-wonder-torley-visits-the-world , and another thing that came to mind is, you can also have alt(ernative) accounts in Second Life so you aren't confined to one name. You can't change an account's name after you pick it, tho. Happy choosing!
@Greg: I also agree with patience with newcomers… I'm immensely grateful to those who taught me (how to pay my dues, how to climb the ropes — all those expressions). So if I were to describe the analogy further, the pendulum swung one way as I developed my skills, and it's human to see it start to swing the other, particularly if you're reminded of your roots when helping "noobs".