[LIFE] Profound things I've learned about cats

We have two (2) cats. One's Sushi. We named him that because we eat a lot of Japanese food. His previous name was Kobe so he's still Japanese. The other's Uni. Which could be Japanese for "sea urchin reproductive organs". She came some months later because my wife was all like "I WANT A KITTEN!" You know how women are when they get those pussy cravings. Well, maybe you don't, unless you are a woman, but I do. At least my woman. So we got Uni, whose former name was Frida. No, she doesn't have a unibrow. But let me tell you more after these pictures courtesy of Ravenelle.

Sushi's nickname is "Black Garfield". He's 18 lbs., originally weighed 15. We tried to get him on cat diet food but Uni was having none of that, she's such a tomboy bully. Sometimes, she goes up to him and socks him in the head. Sushi's more of a mellow guy, but he's really scared of feet. Being, like, 7 years old, I think he had some bad experiences being stepped on or kicked. He knows when a foot is coming and run-run-RUNS away. But Uni's cool with feet, I can roll my toes all over her.

When we first got Uni, she had a pink shaved belly because she got spayed. Took awhile to grow back, but her cat teats are really visible. Sushi, for a male, is unusual because his teats are pretty prominent too. I think having a male and a female cat is nice because when I say "he" or "she", you know who I'm talking about. And I thought Sushi had some weird bald spots over his eyes, but it turns out other black cats have them too.

Anyway, I realize the reading comprehension level of this essay isn't very high, but both our cats will climb on us when we sleep. Sorry, no pictures. Actually, I'm not really sorry, this is embarrassing. They like to climb on my wife more, she's a ready target. There've been times when Uni, or worse, Sushi will land a crushing paw in a particularly inopportune space on my body, and I'll go "@#$%! MY BALLS!" Don't believe me? Ask my wife. I usually sleep on my back but cats rampaging on the bed terrifies me.

When the cats get very hungry in the early morning, Sushi will go right up to my head, and punch me. I don't think he means to be hurtful, he's just really hungry. But I get the feeling he's saying, "FEED ME, BITCH!" when he's meowing, so wet cat food it is.

Uni used to only meow in pain. But she meows more when she wants food. This is a trained behavior, and our two cats come quickly running when they hear the rustle of kibble or the cans opening. Sushi's always been quite a pleasant meower, and my wife thinks he has Siamese in him. That's why his other nickname is "Little Talker".

I have a hard time picking Sushi up. Not just because of his girth, but because he gets so skittery. But Uni's a joy to hold and dance with. She gets really long and her nickname is "Spice Weasel" because I pick her up and go "Pew-pew!" like Elzar does.

Sushi likes to lay on his side. Uni picks this trait up from him. Sometimes, I go over Sushi with the Furminator. He's like a mini-panther when his pupils aren't all dilated. Uni has very short fur so I don't do that to her.

Cat feces smells really bad, and I almost vomited smelling regular, clumping dirt-like litter. We got crystals and an automatic litterbox.

These are my first pets that aren't fish or turtles.