It's past five (AM)?and I've had an uneasy night. Slept for a couple of hours, woke up again, found myself in a garish dreamstate upon my transition back to alert consciousness. Tried to lie still to relax, had a couple of mugs of tea to calm me — didn't work. I think I'll eat a can of beans. Earlier, had a dream. It went like this:
I dreamed I was very hungry and in search of food. I found an orange, the last of its kind. I wanted to eat the orange. So very badly.?So I tried to, and found that the peel was harsh and unforgiving and did not yield. I became hungrier and so, sank my teeth into the orange and continued to claw at it. It hurt terribly, so very abrasive and raw, and my orange, upon being torn open at last, also ripped away at my finger-flesh. But I was so very hungry that I could not stop myself, so I extended my tongue and slurped into the tangy juices, chewing pulp and drinking the acidic flow mixed with my blood, fingers continuing to bleed as I peeled more of the orange open. I wanted it so very badly. At last, I finished the orange, hands lacerated and skin on fire. But it felt good.
I've never played a game of Silent Hill — or any of the sequels — although I've watched my brother do so. I've never seen movies like In the Mouth of Madness or Jacob's Ladder, although perhaps one day I will (it just doesn't feel right yet!), and that I can relate on some phantasmagoric level from the info I've gleaned… albeit happier but just as surreal. I have seen Twelve Monkeys, an amaranthine favorite of mine, and I played a demo of Dark Seed (involving H.R. Geiger's biomechanical artistry) many years ago. What all of these works apparently share is a blurred line between what constitutes fantasy and reality, or if there ever was a line to begin with. Transport from one world to another, in a state. We have rainbows where we can name and judiciously select colors like "orange" or "turquoise blue", and even my beloved "neon watermelon" has RGB values for those of you who are wondering: green is <0,255,0> and pink is <255,0,128>. But besides defining those as starting points, there are not discreet steps to color science?as there is an overwhelmingly vast?amount of shades in between. Continuum of spectrum, or CoS.
Still, a need to classify comes up. A cat is not a dog, nor is a human a monkey (although some may argue that when it comes to The Darwin Awards?– perhaps more of an insult to the simian in question). Extending, there've been anecdotes of dogs thinking they're cats, or even Koko?who loves kittens. We have many rules, and many exceptions to those rules. We have rules that really aren't rules at all, because maybe they became obsolete or aren't followed (and if a rule isn't followed, then what use is it? That's not a question to be answered golightly). We have our distinctions between many manners of immersive computing experience and "real life", in addition to the unfortunately stereotyped and much-antiquated perceptions of online environments as places for antisocial losers who "can't get some in the real world". Bleh to that, I can't relate, I am here to see happiness through to the light at the end of the tunnel that is so illuminating that it makes all the other light look like darkness. Relativity.
We grasp. I know I do, always searching for that next intellectual high while having fun that makes me laugh my ass off. Well, I'd do it more literally?if it didn't hurt my ears so much — it's hard to contain that humor.
My perceptions of reality have long been eccentrioteric (eccentric + esoteric): I'll make no ice cream bones about that. And at the same time, I know I have improved greatly in my abilities to relate to my peers. I know how capable I am of flipping between nonsense and making sense,?although I still lack common sense.?My visions mostly involve whimsy and simple joys in addition to the challenges I face.?Ideas I want to share, messages I want to get across to see who else can relate and feed off of that onto brighter days. And furthermore,?based on what others have related to me, there's also a certain lateral sense to the way I perceive my existence.
I have these dreams, crazy dreams — including but absolutely not limited to the one recollected above — of me jumping back and forth in time and finding myself startled because of these temporal-spacial (why is it spelled "spatial" so often? Doesn't make sense to me) leaps. Therein lies my passion for time travel as pop culture will showya. It's not so much a much of seeing the future or predicting anything concretely as getting these eerie vibes of something I have done before and will do again. It's like a meta-deja vu on an acid jazz trip, improvised around base chords and filled with all sorts of crazy mental guitar solos and staccato punctuations of string grooves. Articulated cadences?find their way wrapped around the sinewy spine of the rhythm?foundation, mistakes becoming un-errors upon their insistent repetition and?melodic development.
I FIND IT HARD TO CONTAIN MY EXCITEMENT.
DULY NOTED.
Again, I'll use the term rippleshock. It comes down to this: me, finding myself, living life non-linearly in my brainspace. I know my physical body and his limits — I don't quite know my avatar's body and hers. Torley Torgeson (Jr.). I experience synchronicity a lot, and this amount has risen exponentially ever since I began to exist in Second Life. I channel things out, breathe the cool digital air in, all those bits and bytes and even packetloss slamming their way into my neurons with the poise of a budding Baryshnikov but the heavyweight of a hippo. I see myself as a child — I see my hypothetical daughter as well, and how I'd raise her. (How I'd want to see the world through the eyes of the young again while growing old.)?I see community, connections, it all comes through. I can't force myself into these things: they just HAPPEN. And rippleshock guides me. If I don't feel guided, chances are I won't do it. Maybe this is what it's like to finally feel intuition after a lifetime of mindblindness?
Hey, you remember that scene from Attack of the Clones where Jango Fett, cruising through the interstellar superhighway, deploys a sonic drone? That scene stood out to me because it is one of the bestest audiovisual depictions I have seen insofar as how rippleshock appears to me when I close my eyes and just AM (regardless of what I thought of the rest of the movie 
). I'm getting closer to defining these things! If I keep on pounding away, ham-fisted on the keys, I'm gonna get closer and closer (to the edit, hey hey hey!). I just know it. In the meantime, I await messages — not from Mars, but from me. Something buried deep inside that's been there all along, I just have to dig it out like dinosaur bones and reconstruct the past to pave the way for my future. I've been getting at expressing myself through words over the years, and there are few things I want more in the world than to be an excellent communicator.
So imagine my world: someone who was previously quite silent who now has a lot to say. Someone who wants to share this, and make the best of what life has to offer, and believes that there are latent abilities within me which have begun to awoken. Not mystical, not psychic, and certainly still under the jurisdiction of my open-yet-skeptical mind. But something nonetheless which is making my living a heckuva lot easier than stumbling around all the time. I'll leave the calling up to someone else, as I've never been good at seeing myself for what I really am anyway.
Before I go, I'd like to restate the exposition, variation on a theme, and say there's something here. If I keep tugging on the chain it'll all fall out of the attic. Insectoid demons, mellow gold, books with meaning I have yet to comprehend, and the watermelons. Always the neon.
I will likely wake up today and wonder why the heck I wrote all of this. And then I'll get to a point where I don't have to worry, and move on.
I think I'll try to go to sleep again. I hope.
I just wanna ask you…
You will try to forget your past, but?did you remember tomorrow?
Thanks for reading. 