I started my Second Life as an explorer. I'd teleport from region to region, traversing the entire grid, experiencing much change in the process. Change, as certain as it was for me in '05, or even late '04 when I started SL, continues.

Over the past months, I became very dry when it came to inworld time. A lot of it had to do with being drowned in a neverending sea of IMs. This, as any productive worker knows, was severely detrimental to my progress — especially because I felt bad not replying to all of them. Sometimes, I'd set my internal status to "invisible" so I wouldn't show up in Find Search, but then I started to feel very dirty about it, 'cuz it was something Residents (I was once one) couldn't do… and plus, it led to messages to other Lindens asking if I left Linden Lab.

That was pretty rough.

For awhile, I left invisible mode OFF, but continued to advocate for having it added to our list of features, especially since I'll recall (and I think of many reminders when I mention this) that it has a long-and-storied history. Thanx primarily to the development magic of Phoenix and Cube Linden, we finally got our privacy controls in 1.13. Predictably, the reactions were not as loud as the buildup of requests, but I'd like to voice my gratitude openly.

I now set my online status in Search to not show.

This is because, to say the least, the world is a much bigger place today. It's become apparent that as much as I appreciate the attention, I've not been able to keep up with all the correspondence that comes my way. As many Torleys as I am, I'm one physical body behind the keyboard, and at work, when I noticed I was spending 2-3 hrs. a day in email and even more because of the IMs that rolled in — and became unmanageable — that there was something wrong that needed to be corrected.

This is where I'm at now.

Over the next nearterm stretch, I plan to make a Web tab profile for myself with contact info, and point to it from the general "About:" area of the 2nd Life tab. I reckon that's an inventive, if not outright good way to communicate.

Because of an ongoing many things which need to be done, and would often take more time to explain than to do them, I won't be able to reply to all, or even most, personal correspondence either… so please pardon if you contact me at work or play and I don't reply. Inworld, what's around my avatar tends to take precedence, in much the same way as if I was relaxing at a third place, I'd respectfully leave the cell phone (IMs) off. I read as much as I can, but I'm finding it samey because too many blocks of text blur together, which is why I've been heavily picture-leaning lately.

Besides those SL-centric channels, I also spend good portions of my time in other communities in addition to Second Life, like Clipmarks, Lifehacker, and I'm getting the gnawing curiosity to find out what some of my Aspie mates are up to. I still check on Wrong Planet, and furthermore, am extremely happy it's still going strong. The same can be said for a number of communities I used to actively post in, but currently, I lurk.

I see myself as an import/export firm. As grand as Second Life is on many fronts, it wouldn't what it is if our many Resis didn't take their outside interests and bring them to life inworld. Speaking of, I got to chat briefly with Invictus Berthold, who's one of the shining stars of Clipmarks. He even sent me some Clipmarks gear he already brought in!

Today was a great day when I explored SL, because I feel like a kid again. I feel hungry. I ran into Nicki Reisler @ Grim Babies, and that was really enlightening, because she said: "I've seen your posts on the blog :)" and it made me think of all the times I've heard that from a living, breathing human, yet didn't see them, avatar-to-avatar, in Second Life.

A few humans have been real cruel to me on the job, but I've frequently seen times where they perceive me as "Torley before she became a Linden" or "just another avatar" or whatever, and it's a lot more friendly. Still, I don't like that double-facedness. It's dishonest, shameful, and cuts to the core of what someone actually believes; it's also taught me a lot about the truth in who'll stick with you for the long haul, and who's a true friend. Cliché? Maybe. GPT (Good, Pure, True)? Absolutely.

One way I've grown is I'm quicker to take action and not put up with crap that doesn't meet my standards. I am green and pink as watermelons, not brown as waste matter. Being rude to others leaves nothing to be proud of, and whether it's in my professional or personal life, while I'll extend a great amount of personal courtesy and OMG ENTHUSIASM!!!! (this is who I am), I won't expend energy on emotional vampires. They serve as meme-pawns, helping spread my language, and by mentioning my name when flaming Linden Lab, they're spending part of their life on me. So, I should be flattered in a way, yes?

In making the choices I do, at least I can finally admit I'm hard to forget, which was difficult for me previously, because it can sound so egocentric. I've tried hard to discredit myself on this front, and it's fallen apart. So, I give up, smile, and move on.

In that, through Second Life, as I theorized when I first started (and I'm glad I did), I've learned a lot about humanity… or the unfortunate lack of it in some cases. One of my fave examples is: you already need a pretty capable computer to access Second Life, and a high-speed Internet connection. Those two factors alone put you far ahead much of the world in terms of material wealth. So why not enrich yourself more? What would possibly convince someone to squander their power bill and advanced technology and use it to attack others, often strangers? It is utterly confounding to me. And consider this:

why waste time you'll never get back, when you could instead be spending it on a loved one, making a happy memory that'll last?

Redundant negativity is ultimately worthless. The irony of people demanding free speech, barking to be treated like adults, and claiming how they know "the truth" while you possibly can't — all while they act so childish and forget the most GPT of wonders, isn't lost on me. What's even worse is the stench of redundant redundancy, how I see the same people fall into the same cracks by their own volition, time and time again. The same "battles" bought, when in the end, it's just a mindjail.

To shed some more light on this (and while I've covered this at length before, it seems I can't ever emphasize it enough): it helps to know I have obsessions and compulsions. Some of these, like a zest for life and watermelons, are beneficial. Some, like gambling, are not. I don't even really place friendly bets. One reason why I wanted to work for Linden Lab was so I'd have a formal framework of discipline: gambling on the job would get me fired! Among other things, this has worked. But addictions remain dormant: they do not die. Anyone who has had a serious drinking or drug problem knows this. Anyone who's sent me messages apologizing for their bad behavior then falling back into the gutter the week after and repeating that cycle ad nauseum knows this. Anyone who's compounded that with lapsing into depression for long spells, like I have, knows this too.

"Hell is repetition." -Andre Linoge

My world is a better place today. I have a lot of thanks — thanxies, as I like to say — to give, and even moreso than before (when I thought I couldn't be any more grateful), yes, my gratitude is skyscrapers and mounds above how I saw myself last year around the same time.

… a lot of people have come and gone…

It's more than challenging to keep up. To put things in perspective, when I write, I'm not so concerned with how my words will be taken immediately. What's important is how what I write will be looked at a decade from now. (Shades of those old-skool "Have you ever surfed the World Wide Web?" videos come to mind.) The world's grown so much, and while Linden Lab can continue to hire and scale, there are far more questions than can be answered — Andrew Linden said it best in a forum post last month.

As long as  I know I'm keeping my days full of fascinating things and continue to fill my plates, learning from the experience of "those who've been here before", I can live a healthy balance. A balance which is dynamic and shifting. If weights get added on one end of the see-saw, so they must on the other, and this has to continue until the weights are too much to bear. Then, the slate is wiped clean, and we start anew, with the benefits of added experience. I hear so many stories of — gosh! — it was my wife who originally told me The Meat Story, and let me say this loudly and proudly: she's a smart woman, she's been there. And I'd better heed her advice.

I want to make a return to form, insofar as actually being in Second Life goes.

This isn't an ending, this is a new beginning.