Torley's 21 life lessons from 2008

The following is an incomplete list of my observations from the last year. "Incomplete" because I'm writing them off the top of my head and more tend to emerge when I least expect it. They've been generally true, but I don't expect you to agree. If not, please let me know what's served you best. Some of it's quite obvious, but only in terms of awareness, which is like knowing which piano keys to play.

If you know, do you do?

1. LOVE. Always love first.

It's the first whole year I've spent cohabiting with a woman who isn't my mom. That woman is my beautiful wife Ravenelle, and she pays extra-special attention to me every day. At first, it sure was strange. But we've grown in love together. After this blog post is done, she'll satisfy my hongar with a yummy breakfast. She's a great cook and I don't cook, so there!

You gotta believe in yourself. But it sure gets a lot easier if you love someone who believes so much in you. Which she does.

2. Pets are cool too.

I was anxious about getting a cat, but we adopted Sushi. He's our black, fat furbaby. I won't embarrass him on the Internet by going into detail about his hygiene issues. Truth is: I was attracted to his personality the moment I put my hand down and he headbutted me. (Other cats in the shelter didn't.) My first pettable pet. And he makes biscuits to techno, too!

3. Be gracious when you receive praise.

This won't be a list of "give thanx for eeeeverything" x100!

But.

I love hearing feedback about my video tutorials. While it's gotten to a volume where I can't reply to every letter individually, I find myself saying THANK-YOU dozens of times a week. It's spirited, encouraging, and certainly motivates me to make more vids. (It also helps me show they're a valuable — the most valuable aspect of my work time as a Resident Enlightenment Manager.) I also hear this about my piano performances. I delight in delighting.

So if you've ever said thank-you to me, thank YOU.

4. Reward your admirations directly.

The fluid nature of the world rewards mutual flow. Don't just suck in praise, give it back in starbursts. I've sent out many enthusiastic (what other kind could i send?) messages expressing kudos. When appropriate, I've offered monetary compensation. I pay for exceptional music, like Trifonic's Emergence album, because there isn't enough of it. I buy elegant software that I can talk forthrightly to the creators about, like Hazel, iShowU HD, Wallet, and Things. It's homegrown and so techy at the same time. Sub-lesson: you'll always go right sharing what you enjoy. That being said…

5. The overwhelming majority of criticism is worthless.

I don't just refer to Internet trolls and mudslinging, but constructive criticism which simply isn't applicable. The worthwhile criticism tends to be disproportionately so; I treasure it intensely. This inspired me to write a manifesto: "To Criticize Is To Publicize: Make The Best Of Bad Words!"

6. Even when you're succeeding, grow additional strengths.

I've an awesome job working for Linden Lab, makers of my fave virtual world, Second Life. But I also have diverse interests which extend outside that scope, like making beats and blogging. So what do I do? Integrate them into something job-related (monetize hobbies) and/or pursue fresh opportunities.

In 2008, I've had the honor to write for several of the world's top blogs in various categories, including Smashing Magazine (graphic design), Wise Bread (personal finance), Mashable (social media), and Lifehack (productivity). I've also purchased some music gear to get me back on track. And during the course of creating SL video tutorials, I wanted to get more involved with the amazing special effects plugins that NewBlueFX makes. Naturally, I got to know visionary Todor Fay and I'm professionally involved now. Stay tuned in '09.

7. Great tools will save you an amazing amount of suffering.

I cast shame upon mere tools fetishism, which is like spending more time setting up a GTD system than getting things done. But that doesn't devalue choosing the right tools to help you streamline processes and even escalate your fun. Sometimes, I've hesitated getting a tool because of its price, but I now weigh that more clearly vs. its convenience. Case in point: my new Mac Pro. An expensive computer, yes, but it's been a superb timesaver for not having to deal with Windows waste — at least not as much, because my Q6600 is still in action for things not as native to the Mac, such as video editing in Sony Vegas.

8. A different operating system changes the way you look at the world.

OSes are an intriguing microcosm of learned human behavior. There's been no end of tips and guides showing how to migrate from one platform to another. Even for non-geeks, it's like learning a different language, with root similarities but subtle-yet-striking differences. Like the position of the main modifier key. And once you become a fervent believer in doing things a given way, you may evangelize that to others. It's especially true if a transition has, as I said above, cut down on trouble manyfold. That's a key reason why people are so passionate about their Macs, finding iconic relief they can share with others. (As any spreadable religion or marketable product operates.)

9. Tomorrow often isn't the right answer. Today is.

Get me right, there are tasks you should think about and sit on. But there're also tasks which add up, that you need to — and very well should — be doing now. If not now, before your next nap. My fave todo app, Things, has been a great help in showing what needs to be accomplished today. And it feels darn good to check a batch of things off!

10. Don't drink coffee on an empty stomach.

Gives Torley tummyache. @_@

11. State things positively: not to spin, but to win.

Too many people focus on what might go wrong instead of what could go right. Their sayings hedge on bland passiveness instead of an affirmative spark. It's why I prefer saying "get me right" over "don't get me wrong".

12. Most people won't get you. Don't dwell on that.

You can't count on strangers, let alone friends, being able to intuitively understand your deepest thought processes. So there's no need to be angsty. You should keep finding people who do get you, and others will follow you in time. Sizeup rapidly, develop intuitive aptitude (to understand, not kill as Sylar does), and be courageous to run psychological experiments on people. There's everything right with someone being worth your resources and vice-versa. THIS IS HOW LONGLASTING FRIENDSHIPS ARE BORN.

And: if there's something wrong in a relationship, say it upfront. Business or pleasure, I don't care, but I do care that you can aggressively prevent festering resentment. Shying away from this just means you'll be used and abused by manipulators. You don't (always) need to call them out, but be aware where you stand, and what you stand for in the cosmos. I've known about this lesson for years, but only in 2008 did I acknowledge it openly, and it's led to many wonderful happenings.

Also… leading means being first, not waiting to see how everyone else makes up their mind. (Because that's not the "wisdom of the crowds", it's the dumbasses of the masses!)

Corollary: don't count on "experts" to get you, either. There's much to look up to in people who know and have done a lot, but they're also more vulnerable to be less hungry for growth, since they've already experienced life's successes and may be getting old (not just physically). A family man with accumulated wealth isn't going to be a ballsy daredevil, unless your name is Sir Dick Branson. "Years of experience" is a double-edged sword, and it's incredibly hard to find someone who's both up there and insatiable for new ideas. I want to be one of those when I'm an old dude.

13. It's okay to talk about yourself in 3rd person.

Some folks make a big deal about this. Including when they write self-promotional blurbs and About pages. Apparently, a lot of autistics don't have a problem, and don't care. I say, trust the auties on this. (Torley has Asperger Syndrome so he's not impartial.)

14. Iterate, iterate, iterate.

I've heard this good chunk of advice from several wiser than I, across various disciplines. They're 1,000% right. Your life, like software, should continually evolve. You're never at the final release until you're dead. I look out for small stuff I can fine-tune everyday; not meaningless minutiae, but tiny things that cumulatively make a big difference.

15. I should've invested in certificates of deposit.

With a lot of options out there, I got confused. I left my money in savings which is "OK", but my bank's (you can guess which one, heh) interest rate plummeted over the last quarter of the year. If only I had locked some of that up earlier! I acted too little, too late. If the economy grows to good health, I'll do this, and not just keep waiting.

16. Paying for fast shipping is often worth it.

Say it with me now: you can make more money, but you can't make more time. When I was a kid, I had a lot more hours to tinker and figure things out. Presently, while I appreciate relaxation, it doesn't come as often. Even during the holidays, I'm busy learning new skills. One way of doing this is acquiring tools (you see how my lessons are connected?), and fast shipping is part of it. Getting a tool tomorrow as opposed to a week gives me 6 extra days of headstart. Amazon Prime helps a lot too.

17. When you're making a living, a previous career can become a hobby.

I used to make music fulltime at the dawn of the MP3 revolution, freelance baby! Now, I admittedly don't have enough time or energy to do it 12 hrs./day, but despite my hyperacusis, I still have a penchant for tunes. So I've purchased various electronic music instruments and've been noodling about. It's more of a luxury than a position of desperation. (Which it was a decade ago.) Nothing serious for the dancefloor yet, but maybe 2009 will open up like 909 KICK DRUMS THUNDERING DOWN!

18. Be brave to walk away.

Some opportunities are clearly better for your worldview and longtime health than others. I've had to say no to timesuckers and offers which sounded nice on the surface, but ultimately resulted in nothing (I've been burned a few times). Or, good stuff that wasn't as lucrative as other activities I'm involved in, which I declined due to lack of what they call "personal bandwidth".

Here's the funny thing: saying NO is hard at first, but the more you do it, the easier it gets. Inversely, so's saying YES. If you're dragged to the bottom with mediocre crap, how do you ever expect to float higher?

19. Time-shift holidays For The Win.

Christmas craziness is ludicrous. I laugh because I know the best deals happen after Christmas, despite holiday sales to move stock. Then I cry because so many fellow humans fall into this crap. Traditions matter only if they have meaning, and it's pointless to fritter away your paycheck.

It's also such a pain to go shopping when it's densely crowded, and having relatives & inlaws you don't get along with is even worse. Simple solution: celebrate when it's just "everyday" to others, not the "holiday season". Yes, some people — including blood relations — will think you strange, but they're also trapped in the Hallmark definition of happiness. Like Neo, maybe you can free them from the Xma(s)trix? There's everything right with expressing pure joy, everything wrong with forced, fake smiles.

My mom taught me the seeds of this and it's true for other acts too, like going to the supermarket when it's not rush hour — small or nonexistent lines. In short, one of the ways to make more time is to look where most people are being wasteful or cramming together, and untethering thyself from the madness. It also gives you reduced blood pressure, since you'll be less stressed.

20. Instead of arguing, act.

Too many people get into blahblahblah wordwars. Stupid! It doesn't matter who talks about right and wrong, it matters who does it. Wordwars taint the depth of valuable debates, and just invent problems for humankind. Being a nice guy also means there are times I'll look at a discussion gone horrifically wrong, and think, "Do I want any part of this lame-ass drama?" "Of course not, I have joys to accomplish." This can sound arrogant to someone whose mind isn't conditioned for such ongoing action, but if you know what I'm on about, then you're genuinely glad to hear this.

21. LOVE. Always love last.

When all's said and done, hopefully more was done than said.

What life lessons did you learn in 2008 and promise to apply in 2009?

Tagged as: General